Boundary Bootcamp For Empaths and People Pleasers

Course Content

Author

Natalie Reimer Anderson

Trauma Bonding, What is it and How to Seek Help:

Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissistic person repeats a cycle of abuse with another person, which includes: abuse, justification, remorse/make up period, peaceful/blissful period, then repeat of abusive behaviour. This cycle fuels a need for validation, love and even loyalty from the person being abused to the abuser. Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships, however, it can also occur between colleagues, non-romantic family members, and friends.

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. It occurs when the abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the person who abuses them. The abused will begin to justify why they are being treated abusively and may not even see it as abuse but as normal. Especially if they have come from an early home life where abuse was normalized.

After causing harm, an abusive person may promise to change. Some may be especially kind or romantic to make up for their behavior.

This gives the abused person hope that their suffering will end and that they will one day receive the love or connection that the perpetrator has promised. The person experiencing the abuse may see suffering as a price to pay for kindness and relationship.

Remorseful behavior may also cause the abused person to feel grateful, particularly if they have become accustomed to poor treatment. This reinforces the bond further.

The person experiencing abuse may develop sympathy for the abusive person, which becomes reinforced by cycles of abuse, followed by remorse. Stockholm syndrome is one type of well known trauma bonding where the captives began to love and cheer for their captors. Stockholm syndrome may begin when a person experiencing abuse begins to rationalize the actions of the perpetrator and then become grateful when finally treated kindly by the abuser.

The following information is taken from MedicalNewsToday (Medically reviewed by Jacquelyn Johnson, PsyD. — By Lois Zoppi on November 26, 2020)

Trauma Bonding can happen when there is:

domestic abuse
child abuse
incest
elder abuse
exploitative employment, such as one involving people who have immigrated without documentation
kidnapping or hostage-taking
human trafficking
religious extremism or cults
*authority figures or organizations such as schools or governments who enforce obedience to ideology without democratic input from the participants or sufficient rationale to support their requests. Forced behaviours through fear-mongering, unjust laws and their enforcement, or mandates that deny rights (*added by Natalie)

According to the organization Parents Against Child Exploitation, a trauma bond develops under specific conditions. A person must:

perceive a real threat of danger from their abuser
experience harsh treatment with small periods of kindness
be isolated from other people and their perspectives
believe that they cannot escape

Signs of Trauma Bonding:

The main sign that a person has bonded with an abuser is that they try to justify or defend the abuse. They may also:

agree with the abusive person’s reasons for treating them badly
try to cover for the abusive person
argue with or distance themselves from people trying to help, such as friends, family members, or neighbors
become defensive or hostile if someone intervenes and attempts to stop the abuse, such as a bystander or police officer
be reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave the abusive situation or break the bond

A person bonded with their abuser might say, for example:

“He is only like that because he loves me so much — you would not understand.”
“She is under a lot of pressure at work, she cannot help it. She will make it up to me later.”
“I will not leave him, he is the love of my life. You are just jealous.”
“It is my fault — I make them angry.”

It is worth noting that these feelings of attachment do not necessarily end when the person leaves the harmful situation. A person may still feel loyal or loving toward the person who abused them or feel tempted to return.

Breaking A Trauma Bond:

Breaking a trauma bond can be challenging and may take time, but it is possible. The National Domestic Violence Hotline suggest that people:

Focus on the present: Hope that an abusive person will change or nostalgia for good times in the past can keep people in their trauma bonds. Try to acknowledge what is currently happening and the impact that it has by pausing to reflect on it. If it is safe to do so, keep a diary.
Focus on the evidence: If a person continues to abuse or takes no steps to get help, stay focused on this, rather than on their promises about the future.
Practice positive self-talk: Abuse can lower a person’s self-esteem and make them feel that they cannot be without the abusive person. Noticing negative self-talk and challenging with positive alternatives can start to change this.
Practice self-care: Taking care of oneself may help relieve some stress and reduce the desire to turn to an abusive person for comfort. Journaling, meditation, exercise, hobbies, prayer, or talking to trusted friends can help.

If possible, a person can also:

Learn about abusive and toxic relationships in order to spot the signs early and reinforce that they are not healthy.
Learn what healthy relationships look like and seek them out.
Create a plan to improve safety and make it possible to leave.

Safety planning

Safety plans include personalized steps that an individual can take to protect themselves physically and emotionally. The plan may include:

safe places where someone can go to protect themselves, children, or pets from violence
names and contact information for people who provide support
information about local organizations and services
a way to gather evidence of the abuse, such as a journal with events and dates that a person keeps in a safe place
a plan to leave, considering factors such as money, a safe place to live, and work
a plan for staying safe after leaving, which may include changing locks and phone numbers, altering working hours, and pursuing legal action

Find more information about safety planning here.

Recovery From Abuse:

The trauma of abuse can have lasting effects on mental and physical health. No one has to cope with this alone. The following approaches may help you understand your experiences and address related issues, such as anxiety and depression.

Therapy

A person may experience pain, a sense of loss, and grief after escaping an abusive situation.

An understanding therapist, coach, counselor, or support worker can help someone work through this. It may help to find a therapist who has experience with trauma and abuse survivors.

A therapist can provide a safe space to talk about all thoughts, feelings, and experiences. They can also identify and treat conditions that may develop as a result of abuse, such as PTSD.

Support groups

Support groups offer abuse survivors places to share their stories with others who understand. This can help a person feel less alone and remind them that there are others who care.

People in support groups may also share tips on coping and staying safe, and provide other practical advice about moving on from an abusive situation.

When to Seek Help:

For anyone who may have developed a trauma bond, help is available. Many organizations provide emotional support and advice about staying safe, both during the abuse and afterward.

Abuse can escalate over time — if someone exhibits, for example, a few signs of abusive behavior at the beginning of a relationship, it is still important to be aware of the available resources.

Summary:

Trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will change.

Breaking a trauma bond and recovering can be a long journey, and recognizing the true nature of the bond is an important first step. Trusted family members, friends, other survivors, coaches, counselors, support services, and therapists can all help a person heal.

**I am a trauma informed coach and have worked in a clinical setting with clients with severe PTSD. If you are in a trauma bond or fear you might be heading in that direction, please reach out and I can help you or direct you to a helpful resource.

Boundaries with Name Calling/Labels/Insults

A word on name calling, personal responsibility and boundaries...

In this course we have learned two equally necessary types of boundaries: the external “declared” boundary that becomes the playbook for how to win at the relationship game, and the internal “gnosis” boundary, that helps you to become imperturbable to the words and actions of others directed at you.

The two are equally important because when we express a clear boundary then we have set the people in our life up for success in their interacting with us, and the second, because we have chosen to become self-responsible for how we allow the treatment of others to affect (or not), our self-image and sense of self-worth.

In both cases, it is up to us to decide how we take the words, actions and projections of others and how we will respond. Our choice to be offended is just that; a choice.

No one can poke a wound that is not already there.

That is to say, if it’s something you carry but also reject as part of your subconscious identity then when someone calls it out, it will hurt. But if you embrace it then no one can use it against you. And if you heal it then you can use it help others overcome.

Recently, I worked with an incredible group of women in my CRAVE course and we had a breakthrough around what it means to be the “nice girl” who lives her life on everyone else’s terms while denying her own experience and happiness. This common core wound many women share is what I call the “bitch wound”. It is an insidious weaponization of the word and subsequent fear of being labeled a bitch that renders us compliant and docile for fear that people will think the worst about us. Heaven forbid we have needs, much less demands, and that we self-advocate or even self-honour with our voices and choices.

I for one have been called every name under the sun but bitch most often. So it’s time we reclaim that word and deweaponize it so that we neutralize any damage it can do.

Homework Questions:

Could you reclaim and embrace a word(s) that triggers you (have power over you) including "bitch"? Which words/labels have power over you now?

What wound do you have that is not yet healed and is therefore leaking your power and making you weaker to resist? List them all and rebuke them if you are ready to be done and to call all your power back.

What do you need to release in your self-perception and memories of the past that is keeping you bound to that wound as your identity?

Could you decide now to let that go and be free of the wound as your identity? Yes/No?

Could you trade the ease and comfort of the familiar wound-identity for the terrifying exhilaration of saying NO to what doesn't serve you? YES/NO?

On Enmeshment

"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously" -Prentis Hemphill

Without differentiation, there can’t be true connection. Two people merged into one with no boundaries is enmeshment. It’s often completely unconscious and trauma bonded.

Seeking oneness, merging into one another without honouring the Self results in neither being able to self-source or grow individually or together.

The empath-type and the narcissist-type are classical bed partners epitomizing this as an extreme. They seem drawn to one another to fulfill a sort of karmic contract of familiarity. When someone is a people-pleaser they tend to attract those who are advantage-takers (aka narcissist).

Blurry boundaries between Self and other create inner conflict that will eventually require separation and rupture rather than healthy differentiation and harmonizing.

Beware the new age idea of Twin flames and Soul Mates. YOU are your primary soul mate. Many in your life can take on the role of a "soul mate" simply by playing their role in facilitating a soul level lesson that you must learn. Therefore, a "hired gun" can also be your soul mate. Yes, that person you struggle to appreciate is often someone who is here to help you up-level your consciousness. This doesn't mean you are to condone their behaviour or try to be besties, it means you are here to learn what you can from every experience good or bad and then not have to repeat. "We repeat that we don't repair".

The romantic idea of Twin Flames implies that there is only one true match for you out there. It releases us from the responsibility of working at growing the love bond in our relationships, which is the real lesson here. Can you create the love you desire? Can you call in the bond and intimacy you desire by believing you are worthy and being that which you seek? We are the creators so it is up to us to create what we desire by being it first. The concept of Twin Flames is magical thinking and can block us from the real, rational, gritty and hard work that developing a committed bond takes over time.

Questions For Further Exploration:

Do you have an enmeshed bond(s) where you feel you cannot live without the other person? Or where there is a fear that if you lose their support you will not be able to go on?

Are there aspects of yourself that you hide away so that you will not fall out of favour with this person? If so, which parts do you fear are unacceptable or unloveable? (go back to the Limiting Beliefs exercise to help you recognize and conquer yours)

Does this bond make you feel more or less empowered with a sense of agency?

Have you found yourself using any of the justifying phrases listed above when explaining someone's treatment of you? If so, have you analyzed the relationship to see if it is abusive or enmeshed? Do you talk to yourself this way (internalized the voice of your abuser)?

Where can you begin to individuate by separating yourself from the other person just enough to create space for your full Self to express?

Have you sought help to get out of this cycle? knowing that abuse tends to escalate and not stop without intervention, what are you going to do about it?

On Reciprocity

Making clear requests allows for others to show up as their most generous selves. Choose the kindness of expressing your honest desires and by so doing; invite others to follow your lead. Be brave enough to be the first to do this challenging work. Watch your relationships elevate as you practice this with kindness and the desire for intimacy based on reciprocity.

Challenge your shame default setting when you feel a lack of gratitude for a gift or compliment. You may actually be noticing a hidden agenda in the giving like strings attached and expectations of return you aren't interested in returning. Be aware of the manipulations and power dynamics in the game of "give and receive" like; over-giving. Check yourself on this too. Are your gifts or actions coming from a well-intentioned place or are they to win over someone's affection or approval? If you engage in this kind of relationship there will be unwanted consequences which might include: not knowing whether you are being loved for who you truly are, feeling sad or used when the gifts/affections are not reciprocated, being stuck giving more because you have set a high bar, you place yourself beneath the other by "buying" their love, etc.

Th old adage "to give is better than to receive" is harmful in that it doesn't take into account the need for reciprocity in the power dynamics of relationship. To give is equal to receive. Both are necessary to be in right relationship. We must be careful to not offer charity in the form of friendship. If we feel unequally "yoked" with another then we may engage in false relating. x

This goes for compliments too, ladies. Can you be generous and humble enough to receive the gift of a compliment and not throw water on it by saying anything but "thank you"? To compliment back is fine as long as it is truly sincere and not to simply ease the discomfort of your inability to receive.

Tally-taking is not true giving. It is an inversion of abundance and all-sufficiency that the great teachers taught, based instead in lack and victim mentality. To truly give, and its necessary equal opposite- to receive- must be in balance or we all suffer. If we are tally-taking we are doing business rather than relationship. Authentic relating is not transactional.

Reciprocity is love. Boundaries are reciprocity. Relationships need boundaries.

Questions For Further Exploration:

Where are you or have you been doing friendship as charity or as business?

Where do your interactions leave you feeling disingenuous? What is preventing you from being more honest?

Have you been over-giving in hopes of earning love and approval? What about the opposite?

Where are your relationships not "fair" or "equally yoked"?

What will you do about it?

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