According to Dr. Gabor Maté, as humans we share the same two core emotional/relational needs: 

Attachment & Authenticity 

When we consistently choose attachments from a perceived need for survival, we begin to form "adaptations" or take on characteristics over time that override our authenticity because we still believe subconsciously to be in a situation of survival. As children, we needed healthy attachments to survive and we often can't shut that need off as adults because, for a time, it benefitted us and actually helped us to belong to our tribe which meant we survived. That' a good thing! I'm glad you survived!! 

However, as adults, NOT choosing our authenticity is what is harming us. We are re-traumatizing ourselves when we choose unhealthy attachments to people and things to satisfy us while denying our authentic Self which is crying out to be expressed. Our deepest wish is to be loved for who we really are. 

As an adult you now get to consciously choose: 

Authenticity or Attachment?

Questions for self-exploration:

Where are your attachments blocking your authenticity? 

What are you known for amongst your friends that is the reason you feel they like you? 

Where do you feel resentment in your relationships?

Your answers likely signal the adaptations where you perceive you must do or be this way to earn love and approval. Watch for these traits and when you use them because they may be causing you to suffer and are reinforcing your feelings of unworthiness. 

Remind yourself often that you are loved. You are worthy of love just as you are.  

Boundaries will get easier as you prioritize your authentic choice. Your relationships will improve and open to greater intimacy as you reveal the real you who has been crying out to be loved. 

As an adult you get to consciously choose your authenticity over attachments. The secret is that when you choose your authenticity you magically get BOTH!! When you strive to not compromise your authenticity for attachments then your attachments become true connections, true friendships that will honour the authentic you!! 

Your re-connection to your authentic Self and healing can begin by asking this simple yet powerful question: 

IS THIS MY AUTHENTIC CHOICE? 

You are denying your authentic Self in favour of attachments, if you: 

1)  Believe you are responsible for how others feel and concern yourself with the emotional needs of others while ignoring your own. 

2)  Have poor boundaries and difficulty saying no for fear of disappointing others. 

3)  Have a rigid or compulsive over-identification with duty, role and responsibility. 

4)  Suppress or get nervous around negative emotions or avoid conflict at all cost. 

5)  Have a strong resistance to or fear of being in stillness with yourself. 

6)  Have an addiction to a behaviour, person or substance that temporarily “fixes” you. 

7)  Acknowledge that you are or have been a people-pleaser and seek approval. 

8)  Feel like an outsider always wanting to fit in but never quite doing so. 

9)  Feel like you must work to earn your place in the family, group, world. 

10) Identify as an overachiever, perfectionist or feel like an imposter.

11) Are overly concerned with how you appear to others and spend valuable energy to manage people’s perceptions of you. 

12) Have poor impulse control, overreact or feel reactive, anxious and on-edge. 

13) Morph your personality depending on who you are around. 

The above characteristics are early survival adaptations we carry into adulthood that are caused by choosing attachment and denying the authentic Self. If you answered “yes” to any of these you likely have a degree of attachment trauma such as; co-dependency or enmeshment, that may be repressing your authenticity. It is not your fault, yet it is only you who can heal it. 

Use the worksheet attached to begin getting clear of your authentic choice.