Different Types of Boundaries and How to Set Them:

Remembering that we are trying to prioritize creating win-win situations, use a compliment first (when it makes sense to) to let the person know you understand their motives and give the respect of positive kind regard especially if they are a "boundary blind" person. This can also work with bullies because sometimes giving them kind regard assumes the best in them and they are given the opportunity to rise up to meet your view of them. 

Physical/Sexual: unsolicited touching/hugging. Say, “hey friend I’m just not feeling it today” or “hey, I just wanted to let you know that when you hug me without permission it really triggers my nervous system and puts me on edge, can we please just like hi-5 from now on?” Or “please ask my permission before you come into my room.”

Emotional: emotional dumping is a form of boundary violation. Say, “hey dear, I’m not always in the right frame of mind to receive a lot of emotional stuff so before you share can you just check in with me to see if it’s okay? I’d really appreciate that.” 

Spiritual or Energetic: especially for empaths, there are always energetics coming at us. You do not need to be open to these energies just because you sense them. There are also many spiritual narcissist out there who prey upon naïve adepts or wounded seekers looking for answers and mentorship. If you encounter this, say, “I can sense what you’re doing to my energy and I do not consent, please stop or I will be forced to end this meeting/conversation.” (Bell jar on and/or put a force field up used for self-protection only!)

Mental: they try to sell you or sway you to their opinion, like to debate and win or force you to talk only about what they are interested in: “hey man, you have some really strong points and interesting ideas but this does not align with my current life experience." Or, "I care a lot about you so I'm going to ask that we respectfully agree to disagree."

Time: how much time you choose to spend with someone or doing something. "My time, just like yours, is very valuable to me. I hope you understand that it's nothing personal. I just can't commit to this time."

Conversational: what you do and do not feel like discussing. Say, "I am sorry, that's just not a topic I am willing/wanting to discuss." Or, "Thanks for sharing but I would really prefer not to talk about this topic again.” Or, "I know you're really excited and have a lot to share but I really would like to be heard too and have great things to contribute. May I share?"

Material: money or possession decisions, giving, lending and expectations around this. Say, "I've already lent all I can. It's best for our relationship that I don't continue to give/lend more to you. I hope you will understand."

Unspoken: you are under no obligation to explain yourself but most of the time you will choose to anyway because you value others and want to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, occasionally your boundary can be unspoken in certain situations. In these cases you can: walk away, change the subject, cut off contact, not respond, block or mute them on social media, unfollow, take a long break, etc. You will know when this is necessary versus when you are running from what you need to face.  

Questions: Take some time to feel into the boundaries that are being violated in your life and in which ways. Without anger or resentment could you have the courage to reach out and communicate a boundary today? Now flip this around and think of where you may be the trespasser of the boundaries of others. Can you commit to do better? What action(s) can you take to repair where you have trespassed? 

Two Types of Boundaries: 

Ultimately, we have both external expressed boundaries and internal intrinsic boundaries based on our level of imperturbability. These are both necessary. One involves communication of our wants and needs to others and how we would like to be treated, and the other is contingent on our level of self worth and resilience. How vocal we need to be with our boundaries will be contingent on who we are dealing with and how strong our level of our self-respect is. Think of those times when it's better to just walk away rather than getting into it. This is the difference between evaluating between an inner boundary and an outer boundary. Sometimes we need to know which bridges to build and which should burn. 

The best boundaries are a combination of internalized and externalized both in balance and as needed:

Externalized= directed at other- I require you to treat me as I would like so that I can more easily feel a way of my choosing (externalized accountability)

*Shadow of which can be entitlement, blaming or victim consciousness

Internalized= directed at seIf- I decide how I will let your treatment of me affect me and what I will choose to do about it (internalized responsibility)

*Shadow of which can be cold and disconnected for fear of being hurt or martyr consciousness 

Good Boundaries are a forcefield and not a fortress. Let the good in and out while the other stuff bounces off and can’t penetrate. We need a balance of the two until we are evolved enough to take on full responsibility for our feelings. 

This will be situational and ever-changing and that is okay. Both are important and if you tune in with yourself the answers will come.

Questions for further exploration:

Give an example of where you have not felt the need to express your boundary and why?

Did you own your intrinsic worth or were you acting from fear and avoidance? How did that feel? 

Think of a time when you have chosen an inner boundary based in self-respect. Did the energy shift in the relationship even though nothing was communicated?

If someone you love is incapable of changing, where are you willing to compromise to accommodate them and where will you draw the line?

When being completely honest with yourself, where are you going into the shadow side of either victim or martyr consciousness in your relationships? If this is being modelled to you by others, how will you commit today to conducting yourself in a more transparent and honest way possible? 

Which conversation is needing to be had that you are avoiding? Could you be the one to step into courage and invite it in?