What are boundaries? 

Boundaries are where you end and I begin. Boundaries are a clearly expressed rule book for fair play in this game of life. Rulebooks make games run smoothly. When everybody knows the rules of engagement, everyone enjoys the game more. It takes away the guessing. When there are no more moving of the goalposts, we can create win-win situations.

Boundaries are like a care and handling instruction manual for your life. They are a gift that we give to ourself and others, not a punishment. Boundaries are about clear communication of your preferences so that others can truly know you. 

Why are boundaries so important?

Boundaries are a demonstration to yourself and others of your self-worth. Inconsistent, nonexistent or overly-rigid boundaries are a by-product of not knowing your inherent worth. Owning your right to take up space and having self-sovereignty is built of the foundation of self-love. 

Self-sovereignty means “I decide for me”. It’s recognizing that you are no more or no less worthy of your place here than anyone else. If you do not claim ownership and authority over your own life you will constantly outsource your love and approval to others, giving your power away- which leads to inauthentic relating, resentment and burnout. But if you truly decide to take full ownership and radical self-responsibility of your life you can cultivate harmonious and deeply intimate relationships and abiding inner peace without being controlled by the fear of the disapproval of others. In this way, boundaries are a path to freedom.

We all want freedom from the fear of disappointing others and falling out of favour.  It may seem ironic, but when we create boundaries with others the result is gaining greater respect from them and also for ourselves. We will have broken free of being controlled by fear and our choices will now be governed by love.

The WHY of Healthy Boundaries Especially for Empaths and Highly Sensitive, Spiritual People: 

We have to get past the idea that we are unspiritual or ungrateful to have clearly established boundaries. We need to learn that access to our energy is a privilege and we are tasked with protecting our precious energy so it can be best used in service of others and distributed to the greatest benefit. 

We are not more spiritually sophisticated to pretend we are okay with everything. Drawing the distinction between being open-minded and open-hearted while still having a clear sense of Self and honouring our own preferences and limits is highly spiritual. In fact, the truth is that boundaries can bring out the best in everyone. 

Never override your intuition because you want to appear more spiritual or sophisticated- rather, to honour yourself and your precious life is the spiritual path. By doing so you become an invitation for others to step fully into their worthiness too. 

Empathic and spiritual people, we must be the leaders on this because it is hard and because it takes courage and big, big LOVE to hold your sacred boundary!

We have to get past the idea that unconditional love means accepting bad behaviour unconditionally. People-pleasing is NOT synonymous with being of service, in fact, sometimes it is the complete opposite. 

Boundaries set people in your life up for success. They don’t have to guess what your boundaries are and only to learn after having violated them. Or worse yet, never learning your boundaries because you’d rather secretly carry resentment toward them than offer the opportunity for them to modify their behaviour. Boundaries take the guessing game out of relationships by communicating our desires and preferences so people know where they stand. 

Mantra: “My boundaries make life better for everyone!”

Boundaries are about authentic relating and open, honest communication. They are an act of self-respect and self-worth and reflect back to others an invitation to own their worth too. 

Boundaries free us from the unrealistic expectations of others and give us back to ourselves. When we own our sovereign inner throne then we can decide where our energy and attention will go without the drains or siphoning of our supply. 

Boundaries re-establish our self-respect which allows us to not be used or violated. When clearly expressed, boundaries give others the opportunity to decide what matters most to them too. Your boundaries, clearly spoken, make others able to show up stronger in their own life. 

Over-giving deprives others of the real value of their experience. What you think is an act of generosity may actually be an attempt at earning love and approval or worse yet, at controlling others. This is a kind of manipulation. Standing in your power and making clear requests takes the manipulation out of the equation. The self-sacrificing, guilt tactics and victimhood once used to control others and win approval or have our needs met is replaced with authentic communication which allows others to show up in their most generous and authentic expression too. Transparency is key to the true intimacy which we all seek. 

Tuning into your worthiness allows you to be honest with others about your desires- helping them to be more honest with themselves too. This creates space of ease, no resentment, guessing, walking on eggshells or misdirected anger. Because saying yes just to keep the peace isn’t really peace, it is an inner war with yourself.

Boundaries put an end to self-betrayal and self-abandonment. Without boundaries no one ends up knowing the real you anyway just some glossed-over acquiescent version of you who is secretly seething inside. 

Boundaries allow others to know and love the real you or to move along. True relationship and connection are the rewards. Because what’s the point of people pleasing and being liked if you don’t like yourself in the end?

Homework for further exploration: If you haven't already, please complete the Boundary Assessment to see how you are doing with your boundaries. Keep track of your score so you can track your progress and see how much you've grown after the course and beyond.