Before you begin this lesson, please be sure to do the work in Lesson One, Two and the supplemental worksheets on Overcoming Limiting Beliefs. That exercise is the foundational work to get you into the frame of mind to uncover your blocks to your self-worth from which your new boundaries will be created. You must believe you are worthy of saying NO so you can live your YES!  

The 5 C’s of Healthy Boundaries:

Clear, Concise, Compassionate, Consistent, have Consequences 

Clear- Boundaries are well expressed when they are clear and not equivocating. If you desire to express your authority then you will have to be very clear in what you desire going forward. We all know a situation where we thought we were clear enough but the same violation continued to occur. Take inventory of which part of that was you not being clear versus the violator ignoring your request. Give them the benefit of the doubt where you may have not been clear or are expressing a new boundary after a long time of not having or expressing one, but take note if they dismiss your clearly expressed boundary desire.

Concise- The fewer the words and lengthy explanations the better. With the perceived need in us to apologize for our desires we further dishonour our right to have boundaries in the eyes of the violator. State your desire and why. That's it. Your boundary is not up for debate but if you wish, you can respectfully dialogue about the why of this new boundary. 

Compassionate- We are in the business of first attempting to create win-win situations because most boundary violators are the people we are in close relationship with therefore, we wish to improve, not end those relationships. However, if there are those for whom you may do better without, that might be a boundary you set that is ultimately self-compassionate. Leading with love is how you can know that you are not taking revenge or punishing someone with your boundary but rather gently teaching them how you wish to be treated and inviting them to do the same. 

Consistent- Once you have determined your boundary you must be consistent in holding it. This neutralizes any confusion about where you stand and if you are serious. These new "rules" must be like gravity- they never falter. When we are not consistent we allow boundary violators to test us. Being wishy-washy is how to not be taken seriously and set ourselves up for frustration. 

Consequences- Whether expressed or implied, boundaries are only as effective as the consequence they carry. If we allow others to violate our boundaries with no consequences, we may as well have no boundaries at all. Consequences are not a punishment, they are a follow-thru based on our emerging sense of self-worth and autonomy. We owe it to ourselves and others to let consequences speak rather than return to the resentment loop. This does not mean there is no room for forgiveness and reparation once the violator has modified their behaviour. That will be a choice you get to make when and if that time comes. 

How to Establish Firm Yet Flexible Boundaries 

Step one: Create space and time to tune into your authentic answer. This is done by letting someone know that you need to think about it and will get back to them. If your default response has been to say yes and later regret your hasty response, this is an important first step. If you are in a situation where you feel pressured or have gone into sympathetic shut down due to being blind-sided or hurt by their words or request, this is essential. They DO NOT need an answer or rebuttal in the moment. Create all the space YOU need to calm yourself and collect your powerful voice before you reply. Remove yourself from the pressure if you can but if that is not possible, delay the response until YOU are fully ready. 

It can be as simple as saying, “thanks for the offer, let me think about that and get back to you” or, “I have to check in with my schedule and let you know.” or even, "Not right now." Now you have created a cushion to let your real choice come through and be heard. (Note: If you are deliberately hedging, it is likely a no but you feel obligated to say yes. Sometimes delaying your no makes it harder.) 

Step two: Tune in with yourself. Be aware of where you are feeling 'no' but also feel compelled to say 'yes'. Inquire: “why do I feel like I have to say yes?” It will usually be due to guilt, fear or long-held patterns of people-pleasing, but if you keep saying 'yes' when you feeling 'no', you are damaging the relationship of trust with yourself and prolonging this discomfort. 

The more you practice boundaries the easier they become. In order to know what your authentic choice is and to drown out your fear-based conditioning, simply ask yourself this very important question: “is this my authentic choice?” Listen for the answer. The more you practice this process of self-inquiry the more you will hear your authentic choice emerging.

Step three: Assess all the data available to make your decision while standing in your worthiness. If it’s a 'no', claim your right to say 'no'. It is helpful to reframe by asking yourself what am I saying 'yes' to by saying 'no'? Remind yourself that healthy boundaries are a gift you give your relationships. Your boundaries allow others to show up in their most authentic and empowered selves too. 

Step four: The moment of truth. Speak your boundary while being compassionate, clear, concise, consistent, and have consequences at the ready. Remain neutral and uncharged or as unemotional as possible. 

Start with the complement that shows your understanding and compassion but then state your boundary clearly and concisely. For example, “Mom, I know you’re concerned for my health, but please don’t make comments on my body size or weight.” Or “Buddy, I would love to hang out with you this weekend but I don’t want to spend our time together drinking. Could we plan something else?” Or “Sis, I really appreciate my time with my niece but I need more warning in future and not to have her dropped off last minute. I just can’t do spontaneous.” 

Whenever possible do not jump in to negotiate, defend or explain yourself. This only undermines your personal authority. If you feel like you need to further explain yourself go back to step two and inquire why you are feeling guilt or fear or like a disappointment. You have the right to your choice even if people try to make you feel like you don’t. If others challenge you, restate your boundary again clearly and calmly. Be ready to reveal the consequence if they refuse to hear you.

Step five: Follow through and believe in your worthiness to have this boundary. Challenge your capacity for discomfort by letting your 'no' be enough. Pay attention to where your conditioning to be polite is actually self-harming. Make your actions match your words. Stand firm in your decision. Notice that the world didn’t fall apart and you survived. Celebrate and bask in the new feeling of empowerment. Notice the weight of resentment leaving your body. Go forward knowing this will get easier the more you apply these techniques. 

Homework:

• Pick a boundary violator in your life and mentally rehearse the 5 steps with possible scenarios and outcomes. Imagine the best and highest outcome and a win-win situation and feel how it feels to achieve this ultimate goal. Practice the scenario in the case that it does not go as smoothy as you hope for. Rehearsing what you will you do in every situation will help you to be prepared and lessen the chances of entering fight, flight or freeze which sabotages your attempt. Practice, practice, practice!!!

• Repeat the 5 C's often so that you have them memorized. They are the foundation of honourable boundaries for everyone involved. Practice being courageous!