How to Put An End to People-Pleasing and Managing the Emotions of Others

It is important to attempt whenever possible to interrupt the compulsion to resolve every inter-personal tension that arises. Tension naturally shows up in many ways in human interactions including; disappointment, sadness, anger, jealousy, disagreements, and miscommunications. Because you may have had to resolve the tension in your family of origin (parentified child) as a means of emotional self-preservation when you were a child, you may compulsively absorb tension for other people still today. Be aware of when you apologize or take on blame in an attempt to lubricate a situation. Healing comes from learning to only own what is ours and requiring others to own what is theirs too. 

This state of taking on too much is often referred to as being “empathic” or “highly sensitive” but is also a survival adaptation called “co-dependency” which is the disease to please and defining oneself by how they are in relation to another. Living for the needs of others perpetuates exhaustion, resentment, burnout and often even disease. Refraining from rescuing in this way is incredibly empowering and liberating but also terrifying! All that energy that went into micro-managing becomes available to you. This is how you call your power back. Now you must gather the courage to face the discomfort for the reward on the other side.

Tips To Begin To Undo the People-Pleasing Disease:

• Allow people to experience disappointment without rushing to fix it.
• Set boundaries without feeling obligated to provide an explanation.
• Say “No” as a complete sentence.
• Don’t rush in to fill the silence in a conversation.
• Trust that other adults can take care of their own needs.
• Don’t immediately misattribute people’s dissatisfaction as something that you did wrong.
• Allow people to process their negative emotions without seeing it as a problem.
• Trust that if people have a problem with you, they will tell you. Until then, don’t ruminate about it.
• Take people at their word. Stop mind-reading or making assumptions. It's unfair.
• Allow people to experience the natural consequences of their actions without rushing to protect them from it.
• Listen to your inner self and do what feels right to you. 
• Stop using the potential of disapproval from others as a pre-determinant of your choices.

Some Things Empaths and People-Pleasers Need to Remember:

• We are not abandoning other adults when we say “No”.
• Saying “No” when we mean it is a form of taking responsibility.
• Saying “No” when we mean it is a form of personal empowerment.
• When we don’t rush to resolve the tension, a space opens up for something new and possibly unexpected to happen.
• Our rush to resolve the tension is a reflection of how we had no choice but to soothe ourselves as children. It’s more about us than about others.
• Rushing to resolve the tension that comes with negative emotions is robbing people of their own experience and learning from consequences.
• Holding space, being present, and witnessing is a form of respect. 
• When you say NO to what does not inspire you, you create a whole new reality!
• Permission and consent ALWAYS needs to be asked for and granted in every possible type of situation, even if it seems unneeded. We should be extra invested in modelling this for others. Think of old school manners and that level of politeness and respect for others. This is an enormous contribution to healing the world. Lets help this make a comeback!!